Starting around sophomore year of high school, I started becoming lactose intolerance - but only in the morning! So I started eating cereal every night, around 11 or 12. I haven't missed this routine except for the rare occasion that I forget to buy milk.
Anyway, I discovered something in my rather ritualistic obsession with eating cereal: I tend to have multiple cereal boxes but rather than completely finishing one box... whenever there's only a little bit left, I go and open a brand new box.
Here's me playing psychiatrist: I think my act of having two cereal boxes gives me options and when there's only a little bit of each left, I like to combine the two for a unique flavor. To relate to my real life tendencies: I have a really bad track record with following through things. I get all the way to [x thing] but lose interest and decide to change gears to [y thing].
BUT... if I REALLY want to, I think it's the possibility of being a pioneering trailblazer to combine x and y to create z, that keeps me ultimately inspired.
Interview at [institution] went well. I tried my best, I leave the rest up to fate and God.
I can't believe it's already December! That was a fast semester, especially since it was the first time I wasn't enrolled. I don't have to worry about finals!! But come January 17th, I'll be back in the classroom. =)
So many decisions to make and each one is contingent upon the previous one - much like a biochemical reaction.
On a less stressful note, I'm actually beginning to follow college football! Who would've thought and that I, out of all people, would be interested in something so butch!
More updates to come, hopefully with good news. =D
QD
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I'm in!
So I've been accepted into my master's program! Not to toot my own horn but even I'm amazed at how quickly I bounced back.
I can't believe it's already November. I have yet ANOTHER wedding to attend next week. I can't say that I'm ecstatic because it's going to be a huge family affair. I'm just not in a very family-friendly mood. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I stumbled a bit with a change of plans and I feel that I'll be judged for not having all of my affairs in order. Or I'm just being paranoid and being hard on myself. In any case, I've been to so many weddings the institution itself has lost all meaning to me - and to over 50% of [formerly] married couples as well.
No night classes next spring! I was able to rearrange my schedule around so I can fit in shadowing, volunteering and coursework (stats, physics, anat/physio). Whooo!
The goal is to finish the rest of my pre-med requirements in 122 and 126 and then start my master's program in 129. Then I can prep for the MCAT next December and start applying 136. The DLA will appreciate my keeping up with numerical abbreviations.
More updates later!
HMQD
I can't believe it's already November. I have yet ANOTHER wedding to attend next week. I can't say that I'm ecstatic because it's going to be a huge family affair. I'm just not in a very family-friendly mood. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I stumbled a bit with a change of plans and I feel that I'll be judged for not having all of my affairs in order. Or I'm just being paranoid and being hard on myself. In any case, I've been to so many weddings the institution itself has lost all meaning to me - and to over 50% of [formerly] married couples as well.
No night classes next spring! I was able to rearrange my schedule around so I can fit in shadowing, volunteering and coursework (stats, physics, anat/physio). Whooo!
The goal is to finish the rest of my pre-med requirements in 122 and 126 and then start my master's program in 129. Then I can prep for the MCAT next December and start applying 136. The DLA will appreciate my keeping up with numerical abbreviations.
More updates later!
HMQD
Monday, October 24, 2011
Can't... stop... pinning....
I've discovered Pinterest.com. It's a little ridiculously ah-mah-zing. Think HGTV and all things interior design-related. I THINK the basic premise is that you "pin" images to your "board" instead of having to manually bookmark everything. That way, the images are already organized by topic. For example, one might have a "board" for "travel," "treats," "home decor" etc. The possibilities are endless.
I watched the series premiere of Once Upon a Time last night. Of course I would like something involving magic, fantasy, princes, fairies, romance, conflict, and resolution. I knew I'd like it.
And now on to another week of mindless suburbia. I need to be in school again... soon.
HMQD
I watched the series premiere of Once Upon a Time last night. Of course I would like something involving magic, fantasy, princes, fairies, romance, conflict, and resolution. I knew I'd like it.
And now on to another week of mindless suburbia. I need to be in school again... soon.
HMQD
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
What's a degree worth today?
I read somewhere that a baccalaureate degree today is worth as much as a high school diploma from 20 years ago. Maybe it was 50 years. I can't remember.
In any case, the economy is so depressing it warrants an entry. Forget the baccalaureate, there are people with master's and doctoral degrees who can't find a job that values their level of education and pays them accordingly.
So it makes me wonder if college was worth it. What about all those people in high school we thought wouldn't amount to anything because they only have a diploma / GED and maybe an associate's degree from a community college? I feel like in some ways, they're in a better position to find employment than a college graduate because they have at least a GED and five years of work experience while the college graduate has an edge on the education, but not on the experience.
Thinking back, I can't say with certainty that I would be happy in Penn's MSEd program, even if it was just one year. One year at a private institution + living expenses.... my mom says those programs and schools are only for rich people. I remember in high school I told a teacher that I didn't want money to be a reason why I didn't choose a program.
And now: how could I NOT consider the finances? Tuition keeps rising but I don't think federal financial aid is keeping up. Budgets are getting smaller and smaller, but costs are still increasing.
But even after saying all of this, I don't regret going to Texas. I loved my major and the experiences I had while in Austin. I got to actually study a centralized major in Asian American Studies! How many institutions in the US can say they actually have a major in AAS? I got to play volleyball and be in an environment that encourages and thrives on school pride. How many schools have top-notch academic programs AND NCAA athletic teams? I got to work in the dean's office, meet people who had dissimilar backgrounds, took French and Portuguese... the list goes on and on.
Perhaps this is what college is about. Leave the finances out for a minute. I think college is supposed to be a time of deep intellectual and emotional growth, where we flow from one idea to the next, where we explore as much as we can and try and figure out what we like and what we're good at. We're supposed to challenge ourselves by trying to understand issues from someone else's perspectives. College is an environment conducive to young adults questioning tradition.
Now set aside the lofty epistemological ideals of higher education and step into reality. Do employers care how much growth I've gone through? What do I have to show for it? My GPA? My references? Did I sacrifice studying something of practicality in the hopes that I'd be a more informed and cultured, productive citizen?
I miss when times were simpler.
Until next time.
HMQD
In any case, the economy is so depressing it warrants an entry. Forget the baccalaureate, there are people with master's and doctoral degrees who can't find a job that values their level of education and pays them accordingly.
So it makes me wonder if college was worth it. What about all those people in high school we thought wouldn't amount to anything because they only have a diploma / GED and maybe an associate's degree from a community college? I feel like in some ways, they're in a better position to find employment than a college graduate because they have at least a GED and five years of work experience while the college graduate has an edge on the education, but not on the experience.
Thinking back, I can't say with certainty that I would be happy in Penn's MSEd program, even if it was just one year. One year at a private institution + living expenses.... my mom says those programs and schools are only for rich people. I remember in high school I told a teacher that I didn't want money to be a reason why I didn't choose a program.
And now: how could I NOT consider the finances? Tuition keeps rising but I don't think federal financial aid is keeping up. Budgets are getting smaller and smaller, but costs are still increasing.
But even after saying all of this, I don't regret going to Texas. I loved my major and the experiences I had while in Austin. I got to actually study a centralized major in Asian American Studies! How many institutions in the US can say they actually have a major in AAS? I got to play volleyball and be in an environment that encourages and thrives on school pride. How many schools have top-notch academic programs AND NCAA athletic teams? I got to work in the dean's office, meet people who had dissimilar backgrounds, took French and Portuguese... the list goes on and on.
Perhaps this is what college is about. Leave the finances out for a minute. I think college is supposed to be a time of deep intellectual and emotional growth, where we flow from one idea to the next, where we explore as much as we can and try and figure out what we like and what we're good at. We're supposed to challenge ourselves by trying to understand issues from someone else's perspectives. College is an environment conducive to young adults questioning tradition.
Now set aside the lofty epistemological ideals of higher education and step into reality. Do employers care how much growth I've gone through? What do I have to show for it? My GPA? My references? Did I sacrifice studying something of practicality in the hopes that I'd be a more informed and cultured, productive citizen?
I miss when times were simpler.
Until next time.
HMQD
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Bonne Anniversaire
This was a fun 22nd Birthday. Just brunch with the Phamily. And why yes, we look slightly hot mess. =)
Another year older, another year wiser. That's debatable. But it's all part of the journey.
HMQD
Another year older, another year wiser. That's debatable. But it's all part of the journey.
HMQD
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Oh, Crystal Ball, Crystal Ball
I think I need to choose a career where I can be an analyst / researcher. Who would've thought? I remember just a few years ago, I staunchly maintained that I hated the idea of research but I do it EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. AND I LOVE IT.
I don't do the whole rats-and-stats basic science research. I'm into the more qualitative data, but I like numbers and stats too, because apparently people think numbers are purely objective. HAH! Please, nothing is ever truly unbiased is it? But numbers do help in making things a little more concrete and tangible.
Anyway, in an attempt to figure out my life, I've decided to keep a spiral of all the research I've compiled. I'm adopting something I did in fifth grade, seventh and eighth grade called the ISN: Interactive Student Notebook. Back in grade school, it was essentially projects and assignments I did as a student that were kept in a spiral, which made studying and learning a lot easier since it's all in one place. Plus it's neat to flip through because it doubles as a timeline of your progression throughout the year.
So that's what I'm doing. Rather than writing out degree plans on loose-leaf paper and discarding them, I'm writing in my spiral to see how many times I change my mind. I've cut out research articles, program requirements, faculty research areas and everything else under the sun and taped them all into the spiral.
In an effort to include my parents in my educational decisions as much as possible, each time I have a new piece of research, I show my mom who then relays the info to my dad. One day it's public health, one day it's law school, one day it's physician assistant, the next it's professor / clinician-educator in emergency medicine. It's RIDICULOUS how indecisive I can be.
But I'll take it in stride and accept that this semester is meant to be this way. Let's figure out what I want to do, try and find a part-time job if possible, and analyze the sh*t out of every possible option.
By December though, it's time to stop analyzing and hiding behind past failures and fear of the future. There comes a time when waiting around and playing it safe are no longer viable options - I just have to jump in head first and hold on tight for whatever roller coaster ride I'm on. But until then... The Queen shall seek advice from her most trusted advisors (i.e. The Queen Mother and Father). =D
HMQD
I don't do the whole rats-and-stats basic science research. I'm into the more qualitative data, but I like numbers and stats too, because apparently people think numbers are purely objective. HAH! Please, nothing is ever truly unbiased is it? But numbers do help in making things a little more concrete and tangible.
Anyway, in an attempt to figure out my life, I've decided to keep a spiral of all the research I've compiled. I'm adopting something I did in fifth grade, seventh and eighth grade called the ISN: Interactive Student Notebook. Back in grade school, it was essentially projects and assignments I did as a student that were kept in a spiral, which made studying and learning a lot easier since it's all in one place. Plus it's neat to flip through because it doubles as a timeline of your progression throughout the year.
So that's what I'm doing. Rather than writing out degree plans on loose-leaf paper and discarding them, I'm writing in my spiral to see how many times I change my mind. I've cut out research articles, program requirements, faculty research areas and everything else under the sun and taped them all into the spiral.
In an effort to include my parents in my educational decisions as much as possible, each time I have a new piece of research, I show my mom who then relays the info to my dad. One day it's public health, one day it's law school, one day it's physician assistant, the next it's professor / clinician-educator in emergency medicine. It's RIDICULOUS how indecisive I can be.
But I'll take it in stride and accept that this semester is meant to be this way. Let's figure out what I want to do, try and find a part-time job if possible, and analyze the sh*t out of every possible option.
By December though, it's time to stop analyzing and hiding behind past failures and fear of the future. There comes a time when waiting around and playing it safe are no longer viable options - I just have to jump in head first and hold on tight for whatever roller coaster ride I'm on. But until then... The Queen shall seek advice from her most trusted advisors (i.e. The Queen Mother and Father). =D
HMQD
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
HELLO, TEXAS!
I was a fool for thinking I could ever be happy in other state. Forgive me, home state of mine and take me back.
Okay it wasn't that dramatic but the weather right now is actually not that bad!! I would like to think that I brought back a piece of NorCal weather. =)
I worked nonstop cleaning and settling back home. Either way, I would've moved back to Pearland - I just happened to move in a little earlier.
So what's the plan now? Prepping for the LSAT. Volunteering at the hospital and shadowing - I still need to rule out medicine, at least I'm hoping to. But as of this moment, there's a very strong leaning toward public health law and policy.
It's just really funny that I'm going through another application cycle. A year early. But it's okay. I've come to learn that life tends to make you say, "I never thought I'd [insert something you never thought you'd do]."
But that's what keeps it interesting, right?!
Let's be a little smarter this time with application: as Sandra Lee says, "keep it simple, keep it semi-homemade" and keep it in Texas, preferably Houston.
Until next time,
HMQD
Okay it wasn't that dramatic but the weather right now is actually not that bad!! I would like to think that I brought back a piece of NorCal weather. =)
I worked nonstop cleaning and settling back home. Either way, I would've moved back to Pearland - I just happened to move in a little earlier.
So what's the plan now? Prepping for the LSAT. Volunteering at the hospital and shadowing - I still need to rule out medicine, at least I'm hoping to. But as of this moment, there's a very strong leaning toward public health law and policy.
It's just really funny that I'm going through another application cycle. A year early. But it's okay. I've come to learn that life tends to make you say, "I never thought I'd [insert something you never thought you'd do]."
But that's what keeps it interesting, right?!
Let's be a little smarter this time with application: as Sandra Lee says, "keep it simple, keep it semi-homemade" and keep it in Texas, preferably Houston.
Until next time,
HMQD
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sh*t Happens
I'm packing.
"To go where?" you ask.
Home. To Texas!
So much introspection has been going on this past week. Lots of heated arguments and emotions between me and my parents. Even some tears, on my end.
I really gave this program a shot. I had to go as a last hurrah to see if it would be (a) third time's the charm, or (b) three strikes and you're out. It turned out to be the latter. And it's okay. We all mistakes but I think we learn more from mistakes and failure. But it doesn't make the experience and less desirable or sucky.
I'm heading back home to start fresh, not necessarily to start from scratch though. I think I can still be involved in healthcare, just not on the front lines of direct patient interaction.
The worst part is not that I was dishonest with my parents, but that I was lying to myself. I didn't want to admit it and say it out loud, because it would be true. I think that's what this program did for me - it made me confront my issues head on.
Of course I'm sad and disappointed because this has been my dream for quite a few years but in some ways, I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. With medicine, I was constantly planning point A to B, then C through L, and then M - T. Every step was already paved. It feels refreshing to not know what's next after points A and B, into the next 20 years of my life. Who would've thought the Type A- in me would revel in such flexibility and ambiguity? It's okay to not know. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes.
I'll consider being in California for a month sort of like a study abroad experience. I certainly have a greater appreciation for Texas and my family.
And now... to continue packing. Can't wait for 100+ degree weather. =)
Meet you back in T...T...T-E-X...
HMQD
"To go where?" you ask.
Home. To Texas!
So much introspection has been going on this past week. Lots of heated arguments and emotions between me and my parents. Even some tears, on my end.
I really gave this program a shot. I had to go as a last hurrah to see if it would be (a) third time's the charm, or (b) three strikes and you're out. It turned out to be the latter. And it's okay. We all mistakes but I think we learn more from mistakes and failure. But it doesn't make the experience and less desirable or sucky.
I'm heading back home to start fresh, not necessarily to start from scratch though. I think I can still be involved in healthcare, just not on the front lines of direct patient interaction.
The worst part is not that I was dishonest with my parents, but that I was lying to myself. I didn't want to admit it and say it out loud, because it would be true. I think that's what this program did for me - it made me confront my issues head on.
Of course I'm sad and disappointed because this has been my dream for quite a few years but in some ways, I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. With medicine, I was constantly planning point A to B, then C through L, and then M - T. Every step was already paved. It feels refreshing to not know what's next after points A and B, into the next 20 years of my life. Who would've thought the Type A- in me would revel in such flexibility and ambiguity? It's okay to not know. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes.
I'll consider being in California for a month sort of like a study abroad experience. I certainly have a greater appreciation for Texas and my family.
And now... to continue packing. Can't wait for 100+ degree weather. =)
Meet you back in T...T...T-E-X...
HMQD
Thursday, August 25, 2011
New Life Plan, Version 198590483673409
Orientation came and went. So did the first day of school.
Why do I feel uninspired? Am I supposed to be mesmerized by my science classes? Do I even like or appreciate science? Because if I don't, I'm about to waste an entire year of my life, not to mention... the first two years of medical school.
I don't get it. I thought I settled this. Why do I have such a visceral reaction to my science classes? Has my confidence diminished to the point where I don't even want to try again? If I can't do the work now, how will I handle the MCAT, med school, the USMLE, and board certification? Maybe medicine just wasn't meant to be for me. It's not in the cards, not in the stars, not in my heart.
Of course it's only been a few days, but I usually trust my gut feeling. I don't think this was for me. Maybe it was a mistake. And I'm not saying these things because of where I'm located. I'm apathetic.
And what's even crazier: a year ago (hell, a week ago), I would've been adamant about an MD or DO, and would not settle for anything else. And now I've come to the realization that maybe I just don't have the desire (or worse, the aptitude) to get through the pre-reqs. Maybe I'm scared of failure and this will all have been in vain.
Perhaps I'm ready to accept the fact that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe I belong in another field. Do I want to BE a physician, or do I want to STUDY physicians? They're two different things. Maybe I wasn't meant to be on the front lines of medicine with direct patient contact; maybe I'm supposed to work behind the scenes in policy. And that's okay, too. If I can be in different field doing something I love and am actually good at... then all is well.
Let's see how this semester goes. If I make one more less-than-desirable grade... I'll take it as a sign that I should switch. As much as I hate to say it, I think I have to be realistic now, and chill out with the lofty idealism.
Until next time,
HMQD
Why do I feel uninspired? Am I supposed to be mesmerized by my science classes? Do I even like or appreciate science? Because if I don't, I'm about to waste an entire year of my life, not to mention... the first two years of medical school.
I don't get it. I thought I settled this. Why do I have such a visceral reaction to my science classes? Has my confidence diminished to the point where I don't even want to try again? If I can't do the work now, how will I handle the MCAT, med school, the USMLE, and board certification? Maybe medicine just wasn't meant to be for me. It's not in the cards, not in the stars, not in my heart.
Of course it's only been a few days, but I usually trust my gut feeling. I don't think this was for me. Maybe it was a mistake. And I'm not saying these things because of where I'm located. I'm apathetic.
And what's even crazier: a year ago (hell, a week ago), I would've been adamant about an MD or DO, and would not settle for anything else. And now I've come to the realization that maybe I just don't have the desire (or worse, the aptitude) to get through the pre-reqs. Maybe I'm scared of failure and this will all have been in vain.
Perhaps I'm ready to accept the fact that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe I belong in another field. Do I want to BE a physician, or do I want to STUDY physicians? They're two different things. Maybe I wasn't meant to be on the front lines of medicine with direct patient contact; maybe I'm supposed to work behind the scenes in policy. And that's okay, too. If I can be in different field doing something I love and am actually good at... then all is well.
Let's see how this semester goes. If I make one more less-than-desirable grade... I'll take it as a sign that I should switch. As much as I hate to say it, I think I have to be realistic now, and chill out with the lofty idealism.
Until next time,
HMQD
Sunday, August 14, 2011
One week and I'm still alive!
This time last week I was frantically texting and emailing everyone I could think of still in Texas. I've improved significantly. My parents even gave me the option of returning to Texas but they talked some sense into me...
Mom: "If you want to move on campus, we'll support you. If you want to come back to Texas, we'll support you too. It's what you want to do. If you feel unsafe where you are and are constantly depressed , then me and Dad feel the same way. But I trust your research - you said you were doing this program specifically because it would give you a better chance of getting into med school than doing the classes outside of a program."
Ugh, fine Mom. You're right.
I'm just going to suck it up and get through the next 10 months. Before you know it, August will end, my birthday will come and go, then Thanksgiving, finals will end early December and I'll be back in Austin for my MCAT prep class!
Once the spring semester starts, I'm going to hit the ground running with writing and revising personal statement constantly, sending out transcripts, taking the MCAT and hopefully NOT having to retake it.
It's a little ridiculous how expensive a prep class is. But I don't trust myself to review the material adequately. It's been a while since general chem. This is all happening... it's real now.
Because I refuse to leave the confines of my basement, all I did the previous week was research med school programs, mission statements, etc. I've narrowed down my list to... 27 schools. The sad thing is I don't even think I would be competitive to my own state medical schools!! But it's okay... I feel like admissions in general is such a crapshoot.
Only one more week left and then orientation, then the first day of class. Hopefully I make friends and my homesickness/depression doesn't render me completely antisocial. And hopefully I don't get attacked or shot at walking the oh-so-long five minutes that it takes me to get to campus. If anything like that happens, I think I'm pulling myself out of the program. I want the MD/DO, but I wouldn't be able to get it in a casket now would I?
I asked around campus about volleyball and apparently it's not even remotely popular! I guess that's the bad thing about going to a really small school. I guess I could just run around campus as my exercise. Oh, how I'm going to miss volleyball. I think if I was in Southern California, this would not be an issue.
And now... to finish laundry.
Until next time,
HMQD
Mom: "If you want to move on campus, we'll support you. If you want to come back to Texas, we'll support you too. It's what you want to do. If you feel unsafe where you are and are constantly depressed , then me and Dad feel the same way. But I trust your research - you said you were doing this program specifically because it would give you a better chance of getting into med school than doing the classes outside of a program."
Ugh, fine Mom. You're right.
I'm just going to suck it up and get through the next 10 months. Before you know it, August will end, my birthday will come and go, then Thanksgiving, finals will end early December and I'll be back in Austin for my MCAT prep class!
Once the spring semester starts, I'm going to hit the ground running with writing and revising personal statement constantly, sending out transcripts, taking the MCAT and hopefully NOT having to retake it.
It's a little ridiculous how expensive a prep class is. But I don't trust myself to review the material adequately. It's been a while since general chem. This is all happening... it's real now.
Because I refuse to leave the confines of my basement, all I did the previous week was research med school programs, mission statements, etc. I've narrowed down my list to... 27 schools. The sad thing is I don't even think I would be competitive to my own state medical schools!! But it's okay... I feel like admissions in general is such a crapshoot.
Only one more week left and then orientation, then the first day of class. Hopefully I make friends and my homesickness/depression doesn't render me completely antisocial. And hopefully I don't get attacked or shot at walking the oh-so-long five minutes that it takes me to get to campus. If anything like that happens, I think I'm pulling myself out of the program. I want the MD/DO, but I wouldn't be able to get it in a casket now would I?
I asked around campus about volleyball and apparently it's not even remotely popular! I guess that's the bad thing about going to a really small school. I guess I could just run around campus as my exercise. Oh, how I'm going to miss volleyball. I think if I was in Southern California, this would not be an issue.
And now... to finish laundry.
Until next time,
HMQD
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Heading Back to Texas
I can't do this.
Last Thursday when the plane was taking off from Houston, I had my first panic attack ever. Sweat, nausea, heart pounding, the whole works. I wanted to run back to the bathroom or ask the flight attendant for a paper bag. I think it was finally all hitting me - graduation, Florida, Hawaii, moving to a different state.
My family just left and I'm about to call my parents and tell them to turn around. My plan was to initially be in the program for two years, but the way I'm feeling now, I'll be lucky if I make it through one semester. When I hugged my parents and sister, I had to hold back tears.
I probably shouldn't have let my parents decide my housing situation - I at least should have gone with them. Let's just say, Mills is beautiful but the surrounding area is definitely not. I think that's the source of most of my fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about memorizing organic chemistry synthesis reactions, I'm more concerned with my physical well-being. Let's just say I'll be on guard the minute I walk out the door and walk to campus.
My apartment is too quiet. It's painful and every song I listen to reminds me of Texas - my family, friends, UT. It's heart-wrenching but it's all I can think about: my life in Texas. At least when I first started UT, I had my brother. I think this is what true loneliness is. I don't have anyone I can talk to up here yet - school hasn't started so I haven't made any friends.
I never thought I'd say this but I do miss Texas. I've never felt more alone in my life. I feel trapped, isolated, suffocated. And if I run outside to breathe, there's not much to look at - an utterly and completely depressing feeling.
Let's see how this first week goes. I'm seriously thinking about withdrawing from the program and just doing the rest of my pre-reqs at home.
This overwhelming sense of impending doom and fear comes and goes in waves... sometimes I'm just fine but when I think about Texas, it suddenly comes back. And it doesn't help that I don't have school to keep my mind occupied. School doesn't start until the 24th.
I'm not sure I was really thinking when I was applying to programs last year. I think I now truly understand how powerful family really is. I think after this stage of my life is over, I will never leave Texas.
I had this conversation last year with my godsister who's in Minnesota now. We both want to leave Texas to see what else is out there and if we return to Texas, it'll be because we want to. Well I've seen what else is out there and I'm left unimpressed.
But I do remember I kind of felt like this when I was in Denmark. The first few days I wanted to withdraw from the program and hop on the first flight to Houston. But even then, I wasn't that lonely because there were a lot of students around me. And the program was only a month long. This is a year. Well I already counted down the number of months I have left while I'm here and it's actually less than a year: 10 months. I want to be out by the end of May.
It's not like I can just walk around to a park - people do not "walk around" in Oakland. So in a sense, I am stuck inside. How is this going to affect my school work?
I just want to close my eyes and be back in Texas. I decided last night I'm applying to all the med school in Texas. I don't care what city, I just want to be back in Texas.
I used to think that I was strong and that I had thick skin and that I'd be able to move across the country without any problem. Well I was a fool. I should've stayed in Texas.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure I'll keep writing because at least I'm doing something.
More later (if I'm still alive),
HMQD
Last Thursday when the plane was taking off from Houston, I had my first panic attack ever. Sweat, nausea, heart pounding, the whole works. I wanted to run back to the bathroom or ask the flight attendant for a paper bag. I think it was finally all hitting me - graduation, Florida, Hawaii, moving to a different state.
My family just left and I'm about to call my parents and tell them to turn around. My plan was to initially be in the program for two years, but the way I'm feeling now, I'll be lucky if I make it through one semester. When I hugged my parents and sister, I had to hold back tears.
I probably shouldn't have let my parents decide my housing situation - I at least should have gone with them. Let's just say, Mills is beautiful but the surrounding area is definitely not. I think that's the source of most of my fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about memorizing organic chemistry synthesis reactions, I'm more concerned with my physical well-being. Let's just say I'll be on guard the minute I walk out the door and walk to campus.
My apartment is too quiet. It's painful and every song I listen to reminds me of Texas - my family, friends, UT. It's heart-wrenching but it's all I can think about: my life in Texas. At least when I first started UT, I had my brother. I think this is what true loneliness is. I don't have anyone I can talk to up here yet - school hasn't started so I haven't made any friends.
I never thought I'd say this but I do miss Texas. I've never felt more alone in my life. I feel trapped, isolated, suffocated. And if I run outside to breathe, there's not much to look at - an utterly and completely depressing feeling.
Let's see how this first week goes. I'm seriously thinking about withdrawing from the program and just doing the rest of my pre-reqs at home.
This overwhelming sense of impending doom and fear comes and goes in waves... sometimes I'm just fine but when I think about Texas, it suddenly comes back. And it doesn't help that I don't have school to keep my mind occupied. School doesn't start until the 24th.
I'm not sure I was really thinking when I was applying to programs last year. I think I now truly understand how powerful family really is. I think after this stage of my life is over, I will never leave Texas.
I had this conversation last year with my godsister who's in Minnesota now. We both want to leave Texas to see what else is out there and if we return to Texas, it'll be because we want to. Well I've seen what else is out there and I'm left unimpressed.
But I do remember I kind of felt like this when I was in Denmark. The first few days I wanted to withdraw from the program and hop on the first flight to Houston. But even then, I wasn't that lonely because there were a lot of students around me. And the program was only a month long. This is a year. Well I already counted down the number of months I have left while I'm here and it's actually less than a year: 10 months. I want to be out by the end of May.
It's not like I can just walk around to a park - people do not "walk around" in Oakland. So in a sense, I am stuck inside. How is this going to affect my school work?
I just want to close my eyes and be back in Texas. I decided last night I'm applying to all the med school in Texas. I don't care what city, I just want to be back in Texas.
I used to think that I was strong and that I had thick skin and that I'd be able to move across the country without any problem. Well I was a fool. I should've stayed in Texas.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure I'll keep writing because at least I'm doing something.
More later (if I'm still alive),
HMQD
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Good-Bye Texas!
My parents keep pushing the move date, but fo' real - this is it y'all. I'm leaving tomorrow for the San Francisco Bay Area. And by that, I mean Oakland, but the former sounds more boo-jee.
Here's the final tally: 5 suitcases and 5 boxes. That's not too bad right? Just 10 things to move across the country. I'd say that's rather efficient, in true QD fashion:
Things I'll miss about Texas: essentially family, friends, familiarity.
Things I won't miss: the weather and politics.
I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be to make the big move. I remember when I was getting ready to study abroad in Denmark, I was the same way - I didn't want to be overly excited and then end up sorely disappointed. I think that's the same mentality I've taken with San Francisco. Let's just see how things go. To be honest I'm more concerned with adjusting to life over there (e.g. finding a place to get a haircut, transportation, grocery shopping) than the actual school part (e.g. ochem and physics and lab!).
See you in San Francisco,
HMQD
Here's the final tally: 5 suitcases and 5 boxes. That's not too bad right? Just 10 things to move across the country. I'd say that's rather efficient, in true QD fashion:
Things I'll miss about Texas: essentially family, friends, familiarity.
Things I won't miss: the weather and politics.
I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be to make the big move. I remember when I was getting ready to study abroad in Denmark, I was the same way - I didn't want to be overly excited and then end up sorely disappointed. I think that's the same mentality I've taken with San Francisco. Let's just see how things go. To be honest I'm more concerned with adjusting to life over there (e.g. finding a place to get a haircut, transportation, grocery shopping) than the actual school part (e.g. ochem and physics and lab!).
See you in San Francisco,
HMQD
Friday, July 22, 2011
"Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well my fairy friend?"
The lyrics are actually "fairy fay" but I thought "fairy friend" was more appropriate. I finally said a for-real good-bye to GEB. I guess good-byes aren't as bed when you do it over and over again, like conditioning drills. I think that will be the last time I'm on UT campus, stampeding on the creaky floors and stairs of Gebauer, taking the West Campus bus... at least for a while.
It's finally here: Florida, Hawaii, wedding are all done. This time next week I'll be moving to San Francisco! It's hitting me a little now but I don't think I'll get the full effect until I'm actually settled in and sleeping in my new apartment for the first time.
My ankle is healing, thank goodness. Nothing is broken, just sensitive tendons and beautiful bruising that have all sorts of purples, blues, greens, and yellows.
I'll miss you, DLA.
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
It's finally here: Florida, Hawaii, wedding are all done. This time next week I'll be moving to San Francisco! It's hitting me a little now but I don't think I'll get the full effect until I'm actually settled in and sleeping in my new apartment for the first time.
My ankle is healing, thank goodness. Nothing is broken, just sensitive tendons and beautiful bruising that have all sorts of purples, blues, greens, and yellows.
I'll miss you, DLA.
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Purple is Pretty
So as luck would have it, the first day I play indoor volleyball in a month, I sprained my ankle!! And I was wearing ankle guards. Are you kidding me??!
I tried to hit a pipe set from the backrow like I've practiced several times with Team DLA: a perfect pass from KEG, a perfect set from MV1 and a kill by me. Hmmm... didn't happen this time. As soon as I mishit the ball in the air, I lost focus and didn't think about landing correctly so I fell hard on the floor and rolled my left ankle. Lame!
The pain was so excruciating I wanted to pass out. Beads of sweat were dripping down my face and back. I'm positive I left a puddle of sweat on the floor. Blech.
But the swelling has decreased substantially, I can walk with both feet but I obviously I want to keep weight off of my left ankle. I should be okay in a week.
Plans for the weekend: laundry of course, ordering for-real ankle braces, and HARRY POTTER PART DEUX!!!! =]
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
I tried to hit a pipe set from the backrow like I've practiced several times with Team DLA: a perfect pass from KEG, a perfect set from MV1 and a kill by me. Hmmm... didn't happen this time. As soon as I mishit the ball in the air, I lost focus and didn't think about landing correctly so I fell hard on the floor and rolled my left ankle. Lame!
The pain was so excruciating I wanted to pass out. Beads of sweat were dripping down my face and back. I'm positive I left a puddle of sweat on the floor. Blech.
But the swelling has decreased substantially, I can walk with both feet but I obviously I want to keep weight off of my left ankle. I should be okay in a week.
Plans for the weekend: laundry of course, ordering for-real ankle braces, and HARRY POTTER PART DEUX!!!! =]
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
It's TOO Hot!
Thank goodness the West Campus bus is running! I took it to campus and back. I dare not strut down 24th in this heat. Stopped by the DLA again to see the one and only Kiira Bivens! I felt like I was an attending with hospital privileges - I volunteered my time to assist in DLA-esque activities. I'm going to miss answering that phone and parading down the squeakiest wooden floors to ask an advisor a question / give them a message / give GML his in abs forms.
So... graduate training in epidemiology? Hmmm, negative. Thank goodness the PCL has such a huge collection - I stopped by and looked through the epi books, like I did with medical anthro last school year. All I saw were charts, graphs, numbers, and stats. Blech. No, thanks.
Plans for ce soir: pizza night + catching up on TV shows!
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
So... graduate training in epidemiology? Hmmm, negative. Thank goodness the PCL has such a huge collection - I stopped by and looked through the epi books, like I did with medical anthro last school year. All I saw were charts, graphs, numbers, and stats. Blech. No, thanks.
Plans for ce soir: pizza night + catching up on TV shows!
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Back in Austin!
The flight from Houston to Austin doesn't even last an hour - so when my flight got delayed last night, I was less than happy. To top it off, I had a hunger headache. I don't think we really need flight attendants for the trip from Houston to Austin - the passengers can just wait to drink their damn water. And it was the first time I flew first class! 1A was my seat but I hardly enjoyed it because I was so hungry anyway.
But it's fine - I'm in Austin, apartment is clean, cool and I'm alone. No roommates or a living room full of boisterous people wasting electricity with their endless cords for their laptops, phones, cameras, etc.
I walked to campus today to make a cameo appearance at the DLA. People were thoroughly surprised. =) I'm glad. I forgot how hot it was walking around Austin though. That's something I won't miss when I move to California.
Not much has changed, just lots of orientation and general 116 confusion. But if you've got 6 down, 2 and 9 are a piece of cake.
My former supervisor, Melinda Villareal-Lopez, [M.D., J.D.] would like me to blog TWICE a DAY. She's got high expectations but that's to be expected for someone who took the LSAT, MCAT, UMSLE, and the bar. =P
Plans for tonight: delicious Chinese take-out per Tap House with Theresa and Jan! Reunion!
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
But it's fine - I'm in Austin, apartment is clean, cool and I'm alone. No roommates or a living room full of boisterous people wasting electricity with their endless cords for their laptops, phones, cameras, etc.
I walked to campus today to make a cameo appearance at the DLA. People were thoroughly surprised. =) I'm glad. I forgot how hot it was walking around Austin though. That's something I won't miss when I move to California.
Not much has changed, just lots of orientation and general 116 confusion. But if you've got 6 down, 2 and 9 are a piece of cake.
My former supervisor, Melinda Villareal-Lopez, [M.D., J.D.] would like me to blog TWICE a DAY. She's got high expectations but that's to be expected for someone who took the LSAT, MCAT, UMSLE, and the bar. =P
Plans for tonight: delicious Chinese take-out per Tap House with Theresa and Jan! Reunion!
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Success!
Wedding Saturday for Tina was amazing! It's done. I'm just elated I was able to practice adequately to deliver the reading in near-perfect fashion and in Vietnamese. PHEW!
I think I have a love/hate relationship with weddings. The whole pomp and circumstance is frustrating because it's so hot! But the exchanging of vows and the reception more than make up for it.
While sitting at my table during the reception, I will admit I was a little lonely looking around and seeing that everyone had a "+1" except for little kids - but then they just play with each other so they're not really alone at all.
Once they opened up the dance floor, I found myself dancing and just having fun with all of the other single people in a sea of couples. And suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
I think I have a love/hate relationship with weddings. The whole pomp and circumstance is frustrating because it's so hot! But the exchanging of vows and the reception more than make up for it.
While sitting at my table during the reception, I will admit I was a little lonely looking around and seeing that everyone had a "+1" except for little kids - but then they just play with each other so they're not really alone at all.
Once they opened up the dance floor, I found myself dancing and just having fun with all of the other single people in a sea of couples. And suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
Thursday, July 7, 2011
New chapter, new blog.
I read some of my older posts on my old blog. I guess I could've kept up with that but I wanted to start from scratch, especially since the older blog was all college stuff. Since I've graduated (yay!) I think we'll leave that blog separate and start a new one.
I'm getting ready for a friend's wedding this Saturday. She asked me to do one of the readings - initially in English, but now I have to read in Vietnamese!! The last time I read in Vietnamese for-real was for my grandmother's funeral. Needless to say I've been stressing out about this task and it's not even my wedding. It's okay, it'll last for about five minutes, I'll start off a little shaky and halfway through, I won't even care if the pronunciations are correct anymore.
After the wedding, I'll be back in Austin for one last hurrah! I really just want to say bye to a few people before I leave to California and have to learn a new lifestyle, a new a culture. I'm excited, anxious, and a bunch of other feelings all at the same time.
What will my cohort be like? The professors? The city itself? What if I make the same mistakes as an undergrad? I think that's my biggest fear - that my performance will be the same. But I'm hoping a change of scenery will mean a more efficient approach to studying that'll make me not only enjoy the material but excel in it as well.
I need to see my dermatologist - I ran out of Retin-A Micro! You would think that age and acne have an inverse relationship. 'Tis false.
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
I'm getting ready for a friend's wedding this Saturday. She asked me to do one of the readings - initially in English, but now I have to read in Vietnamese!! The last time I read in Vietnamese for-real was for my grandmother's funeral. Needless to say I've been stressing out about this task and it's not even my wedding. It's okay, it'll last for about five minutes, I'll start off a little shaky and halfway through, I won't even care if the pronunciations are correct anymore.
After the wedding, I'll be back in Austin for one last hurrah! I really just want to say bye to a few people before I leave to California and have to learn a new lifestyle, a new a culture. I'm excited, anxious, and a bunch of other feelings all at the same time.
What will my cohort be like? The professors? The city itself? What if I make the same mistakes as an undergrad? I think that's my biggest fear - that my performance will be the same. But I'm hoping a change of scenery will mean a more efficient approach to studying that'll make me not only enjoy the material but excel in it as well.
I need to see my dermatologist - I ran out of Retin-A Micro! You would think that age and acne have an inverse relationship. 'Tis false.
À bientôt,
Queen Dean
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