Orientation came and went. So did the first day of school.
Why do I feel uninspired? Am I supposed to be mesmerized by my science classes? Do I even like or appreciate science? Because if I don't, I'm about to waste an entire year of my life, not to mention... the first two years of medical school.
I don't get it. I thought I settled this. Why do I have such a visceral reaction to my science classes? Has my confidence diminished to the point where I don't even want to try again? If I can't do the work now, how will I handle the MCAT, med school, the USMLE, and board certification? Maybe medicine just wasn't meant to be for me. It's not in the cards, not in the stars, not in my heart.
Of course it's only been a few days, but I usually trust my gut feeling. I don't think this was for me. Maybe it was a mistake. And I'm not saying these things because of where I'm located. I'm apathetic.
And what's even crazier: a year ago (hell, a week ago), I would've been adamant about an MD or DO, and would not settle for anything else. And now I've come to the realization that maybe I just don't have the desire (or worse, the aptitude) to get through the pre-reqs. Maybe I'm scared of failure and this will all have been in vain.
Perhaps I'm ready to accept the fact that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe I belong in another field. Do I want to BE a physician, or do I want to STUDY physicians? They're two different things. Maybe I wasn't meant to be on the front lines of medicine with direct patient contact; maybe I'm supposed to work behind the scenes in policy. And that's okay, too. If I can be in different field doing something I love and am actually good at... then all is well.
Let's see how this semester goes. If I make one more less-than-desirable grade... I'll take it as a sign that I should switch. As much as I hate to say it, I think I have to be realistic now, and chill out with the lofty idealism.
Until next time,
HMQD
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