I can't do this.
Last Thursday when the plane was taking off from Houston, I had my first panic attack ever. Sweat, nausea, heart pounding, the whole works. I wanted to run back to the bathroom or ask the flight attendant for a paper bag. I think it was finally all hitting me - graduation, Florida, Hawaii, moving to a different state.
My family just left and I'm about to call my parents and tell them to turn around. My plan was to initially be in the program for two years, but the way I'm feeling now, I'll be lucky if I make it through one semester. When I hugged my parents and sister, I had to hold back tears.
I probably shouldn't have let my parents decide my housing situation - I at least should have gone with them. Let's just say, Mills is beautiful but the surrounding area is definitely not. I think that's the source of most of my fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about memorizing organic chemistry synthesis reactions, I'm more concerned with my physical well-being. Let's just say I'll be on guard the minute I walk out the door and walk to campus.
My apartment is too quiet. It's painful and every song I listen to reminds me of Texas - my family, friends, UT. It's heart-wrenching but it's all I can think about: my life in Texas. At least when I first started UT, I had my brother. I think this is what true loneliness is. I don't have anyone I can talk to up here yet - school hasn't started so I haven't made any friends.
I never thought I'd say this but I do miss Texas. I've never felt more alone in my life. I feel trapped, isolated, suffocated. And if I run outside to breathe, there's not much to look at - an utterly and completely depressing feeling.
Let's see how this first week goes. I'm seriously thinking about withdrawing from the program and just doing the rest of my pre-reqs at home.
This overwhelming sense of impending doom and fear comes and goes in waves... sometimes I'm just fine but when I think about Texas, it suddenly comes back. And it doesn't help that I don't have school to keep my mind occupied. School doesn't start until the 24th.
I'm not sure I was really thinking when I was applying to programs last year. I think I now truly understand how powerful family really is. I think after this stage of my life is over, I will never leave Texas.
I had this conversation last year with my godsister who's in Minnesota now. We both want to leave Texas to see what else is out there and if we return to Texas, it'll be because we want to. Well I've seen what else is out there and I'm left unimpressed.
But I do remember I kind of felt like this when I was in Denmark. The first few days I wanted to withdraw from the program and hop on the first flight to Houston. But even then, I wasn't that lonely because there were a lot of students around me. And the program was only a month long. This is a year. Well I already counted down the number of months I have left while I'm here and it's actually less than a year: 10 months. I want to be out by the end of May.
It's not like I can just walk around to a park - people do not "walk around" in Oakland. So in a sense, I am stuck inside. How is this going to affect my school work?
I just want to close my eyes and be back in Texas. I decided last night I'm applying to all the med school in Texas. I don't care what city, I just want to be back in Texas.
I used to think that I was strong and that I had thick skin and that I'd be able to move across the country without any problem. Well I was a fool. I should've stayed in Texas.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure I'll keep writing because at least I'm doing something.
More later (if I'm still alive),
HMQD
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