Orientation came and went. So did the first day of school.
Why do I feel uninspired? Am I supposed to be mesmerized by my science classes? Do I even like or appreciate science? Because if I don't, I'm about to waste an entire year of my life, not to mention... the first two years of medical school.
I don't get it. I thought I settled this. Why do I have such a visceral reaction to my science classes? Has my confidence diminished to the point where I don't even want to try again? If I can't do the work now, how will I handle the MCAT, med school, the USMLE, and board certification? Maybe medicine just wasn't meant to be for me. It's not in the cards, not in the stars, not in my heart.
Of course it's only been a few days, but I usually trust my gut feeling. I don't think this was for me. Maybe it was a mistake. And I'm not saying these things because of where I'm located. I'm apathetic.
And what's even crazier: a year ago (hell, a week ago), I would've been adamant about an MD or DO, and would not settle for anything else. And now I've come to the realization that maybe I just don't have the desire (or worse, the aptitude) to get through the pre-reqs. Maybe I'm scared of failure and this will all have been in vain.
Perhaps I'm ready to accept the fact that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe I belong in another field. Do I want to BE a physician, or do I want to STUDY physicians? They're two different things. Maybe I wasn't meant to be on the front lines of medicine with direct patient contact; maybe I'm supposed to work behind the scenes in policy. And that's okay, too. If I can be in different field doing something I love and am actually good at... then all is well.
Let's see how this semester goes. If I make one more less-than-desirable grade... I'll take it as a sign that I should switch. As much as I hate to say it, I think I have to be realistic now, and chill out with the lofty idealism.
Until next time,
HMQD
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
One week and I'm still alive!
This time last week I was frantically texting and emailing everyone I could think of still in Texas. I've improved significantly. My parents even gave me the option of returning to Texas but they talked some sense into me...
Mom: "If you want to move on campus, we'll support you. If you want to come back to Texas, we'll support you too. It's what you want to do. If you feel unsafe where you are and are constantly depressed , then me and Dad feel the same way. But I trust your research - you said you were doing this program specifically because it would give you a better chance of getting into med school than doing the classes outside of a program."
Ugh, fine Mom. You're right.
I'm just going to suck it up and get through the next 10 months. Before you know it, August will end, my birthday will come and go, then Thanksgiving, finals will end early December and I'll be back in Austin for my MCAT prep class!
Once the spring semester starts, I'm going to hit the ground running with writing and revising personal statement constantly, sending out transcripts, taking the MCAT and hopefully NOT having to retake it.
It's a little ridiculous how expensive a prep class is. But I don't trust myself to review the material adequately. It's been a while since general chem. This is all happening... it's real now.
Because I refuse to leave the confines of my basement, all I did the previous week was research med school programs, mission statements, etc. I've narrowed down my list to... 27 schools. The sad thing is I don't even think I would be competitive to my own state medical schools!! But it's okay... I feel like admissions in general is such a crapshoot.
Only one more week left and then orientation, then the first day of class. Hopefully I make friends and my homesickness/depression doesn't render me completely antisocial. And hopefully I don't get attacked or shot at walking the oh-so-long five minutes that it takes me to get to campus. If anything like that happens, I think I'm pulling myself out of the program. I want the MD/DO, but I wouldn't be able to get it in a casket now would I?
I asked around campus about volleyball and apparently it's not even remotely popular! I guess that's the bad thing about going to a really small school. I guess I could just run around campus as my exercise. Oh, how I'm going to miss volleyball. I think if I was in Southern California, this would not be an issue.
And now... to finish laundry.
Until next time,
HMQD
Mom: "If you want to move on campus, we'll support you. If you want to come back to Texas, we'll support you too. It's what you want to do. If you feel unsafe where you are and are constantly depressed , then me and Dad feel the same way. But I trust your research - you said you were doing this program specifically because it would give you a better chance of getting into med school than doing the classes outside of a program."
Ugh, fine Mom. You're right.
I'm just going to suck it up and get through the next 10 months. Before you know it, August will end, my birthday will come and go, then Thanksgiving, finals will end early December and I'll be back in Austin for my MCAT prep class!
Once the spring semester starts, I'm going to hit the ground running with writing and revising personal statement constantly, sending out transcripts, taking the MCAT and hopefully NOT having to retake it.
It's a little ridiculous how expensive a prep class is. But I don't trust myself to review the material adequately. It's been a while since general chem. This is all happening... it's real now.
Because I refuse to leave the confines of my basement, all I did the previous week was research med school programs, mission statements, etc. I've narrowed down my list to... 27 schools. The sad thing is I don't even think I would be competitive to my own state medical schools!! But it's okay... I feel like admissions in general is such a crapshoot.
Only one more week left and then orientation, then the first day of class. Hopefully I make friends and my homesickness/depression doesn't render me completely antisocial. And hopefully I don't get attacked or shot at walking the oh-so-long five minutes that it takes me to get to campus. If anything like that happens, I think I'm pulling myself out of the program. I want the MD/DO, but I wouldn't be able to get it in a casket now would I?
I asked around campus about volleyball and apparently it's not even remotely popular! I guess that's the bad thing about going to a really small school. I guess I could just run around campus as my exercise. Oh, how I'm going to miss volleyball. I think if I was in Southern California, this would not be an issue.
And now... to finish laundry.
Until next time,
HMQD
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Heading Back to Texas
I can't do this.
Last Thursday when the plane was taking off from Houston, I had my first panic attack ever. Sweat, nausea, heart pounding, the whole works. I wanted to run back to the bathroom or ask the flight attendant for a paper bag. I think it was finally all hitting me - graduation, Florida, Hawaii, moving to a different state.
My family just left and I'm about to call my parents and tell them to turn around. My plan was to initially be in the program for two years, but the way I'm feeling now, I'll be lucky if I make it through one semester. When I hugged my parents and sister, I had to hold back tears.
I probably shouldn't have let my parents decide my housing situation - I at least should have gone with them. Let's just say, Mills is beautiful but the surrounding area is definitely not. I think that's the source of most of my fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about memorizing organic chemistry synthesis reactions, I'm more concerned with my physical well-being. Let's just say I'll be on guard the minute I walk out the door and walk to campus.
My apartment is too quiet. It's painful and every song I listen to reminds me of Texas - my family, friends, UT. It's heart-wrenching but it's all I can think about: my life in Texas. At least when I first started UT, I had my brother. I think this is what true loneliness is. I don't have anyone I can talk to up here yet - school hasn't started so I haven't made any friends.
I never thought I'd say this but I do miss Texas. I've never felt more alone in my life. I feel trapped, isolated, suffocated. And if I run outside to breathe, there's not much to look at - an utterly and completely depressing feeling.
Let's see how this first week goes. I'm seriously thinking about withdrawing from the program and just doing the rest of my pre-reqs at home.
This overwhelming sense of impending doom and fear comes and goes in waves... sometimes I'm just fine but when I think about Texas, it suddenly comes back. And it doesn't help that I don't have school to keep my mind occupied. School doesn't start until the 24th.
I'm not sure I was really thinking when I was applying to programs last year. I think I now truly understand how powerful family really is. I think after this stage of my life is over, I will never leave Texas.
I had this conversation last year with my godsister who's in Minnesota now. We both want to leave Texas to see what else is out there and if we return to Texas, it'll be because we want to. Well I've seen what else is out there and I'm left unimpressed.
But I do remember I kind of felt like this when I was in Denmark. The first few days I wanted to withdraw from the program and hop on the first flight to Houston. But even then, I wasn't that lonely because there were a lot of students around me. And the program was only a month long. This is a year. Well I already counted down the number of months I have left while I'm here and it's actually less than a year: 10 months. I want to be out by the end of May.
It's not like I can just walk around to a park - people do not "walk around" in Oakland. So in a sense, I am stuck inside. How is this going to affect my school work?
I just want to close my eyes and be back in Texas. I decided last night I'm applying to all the med school in Texas. I don't care what city, I just want to be back in Texas.
I used to think that I was strong and that I had thick skin and that I'd be able to move across the country without any problem. Well I was a fool. I should've stayed in Texas.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure I'll keep writing because at least I'm doing something.
More later (if I'm still alive),
HMQD
Last Thursday when the plane was taking off from Houston, I had my first panic attack ever. Sweat, nausea, heart pounding, the whole works. I wanted to run back to the bathroom or ask the flight attendant for a paper bag. I think it was finally all hitting me - graduation, Florida, Hawaii, moving to a different state.
My family just left and I'm about to call my parents and tell them to turn around. My plan was to initially be in the program for two years, but the way I'm feeling now, I'll be lucky if I make it through one semester. When I hugged my parents and sister, I had to hold back tears.
I probably shouldn't have let my parents decide my housing situation - I at least should have gone with them. Let's just say, Mills is beautiful but the surrounding area is definitely not. I think that's the source of most of my fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about memorizing organic chemistry synthesis reactions, I'm more concerned with my physical well-being. Let's just say I'll be on guard the minute I walk out the door and walk to campus.
My apartment is too quiet. It's painful and every song I listen to reminds me of Texas - my family, friends, UT. It's heart-wrenching but it's all I can think about: my life in Texas. At least when I first started UT, I had my brother. I think this is what true loneliness is. I don't have anyone I can talk to up here yet - school hasn't started so I haven't made any friends.
I never thought I'd say this but I do miss Texas. I've never felt more alone in my life. I feel trapped, isolated, suffocated. And if I run outside to breathe, there's not much to look at - an utterly and completely depressing feeling.
Let's see how this first week goes. I'm seriously thinking about withdrawing from the program and just doing the rest of my pre-reqs at home.
This overwhelming sense of impending doom and fear comes and goes in waves... sometimes I'm just fine but when I think about Texas, it suddenly comes back. And it doesn't help that I don't have school to keep my mind occupied. School doesn't start until the 24th.
I'm not sure I was really thinking when I was applying to programs last year. I think I now truly understand how powerful family really is. I think after this stage of my life is over, I will never leave Texas.
I had this conversation last year with my godsister who's in Minnesota now. We both want to leave Texas to see what else is out there and if we return to Texas, it'll be because we want to. Well I've seen what else is out there and I'm left unimpressed.
But I do remember I kind of felt like this when I was in Denmark. The first few days I wanted to withdraw from the program and hop on the first flight to Houston. But even then, I wasn't that lonely because there were a lot of students around me. And the program was only a month long. This is a year. Well I already counted down the number of months I have left while I'm here and it's actually less than a year: 10 months. I want to be out by the end of May.
It's not like I can just walk around to a park - people do not "walk around" in Oakland. So in a sense, I am stuck inside. How is this going to affect my school work?
I just want to close my eyes and be back in Texas. I decided last night I'm applying to all the med school in Texas. I don't care what city, I just want to be back in Texas.
I used to think that I was strong and that I had thick skin and that I'd be able to move across the country without any problem. Well I was a fool. I should've stayed in Texas.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure I'll keep writing because at least I'm doing something.
More later (if I'm still alive),
HMQD
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Good-Bye Texas!
My parents keep pushing the move date, but fo' real - this is it y'all. I'm leaving tomorrow for the San Francisco Bay Area. And by that, I mean Oakland, but the former sounds more boo-jee.
Here's the final tally: 5 suitcases and 5 boxes. That's not too bad right? Just 10 things to move across the country. I'd say that's rather efficient, in true QD fashion:
Things I'll miss about Texas: essentially family, friends, familiarity.
Things I won't miss: the weather and politics.
I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be to make the big move. I remember when I was getting ready to study abroad in Denmark, I was the same way - I didn't want to be overly excited and then end up sorely disappointed. I think that's the same mentality I've taken with San Francisco. Let's just see how things go. To be honest I'm more concerned with adjusting to life over there (e.g. finding a place to get a haircut, transportation, grocery shopping) than the actual school part (e.g. ochem and physics and lab!).
See you in San Francisco,
HMQD
Here's the final tally: 5 suitcases and 5 boxes. That's not too bad right? Just 10 things to move across the country. I'd say that's rather efficient, in true QD fashion:
Things I'll miss about Texas: essentially family, friends, familiarity.
Things I won't miss: the weather and politics.
I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be to make the big move. I remember when I was getting ready to study abroad in Denmark, I was the same way - I didn't want to be overly excited and then end up sorely disappointed. I think that's the same mentality I've taken with San Francisco. Let's just see how things go. To be honest I'm more concerned with adjusting to life over there (e.g. finding a place to get a haircut, transportation, grocery shopping) than the actual school part (e.g. ochem and physics and lab!).
See you in San Francisco,
HMQD
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