Questões do coração

In observing the relationships of those around me, I've found that there are people who will never be single. There will always be another boyfriend/ girlfriend as one relationship ends and another begins. Their in-a-relationship status is like the beating heart: it doesn't skip a beat, there's a seamless transition from one significant other to the next significant other, version 2.0. Or 3.0, 4.0, etc. Sure there's the appropriate time to mourn and grieve but let's get real - we all know you've been talking to someone else even before the relationship officially ended... You get no sympathy points from me.

Then there's the rest of us: the ones who seem destined to be unlucky in love. We are the ones forever stuck in the friend zone because we were burned one too many times in the past. We are the ones who have cried ourselves to sleep from the heart-wrenching, soul-crushing burden of knowing the perfect person we want to be with either (a) doesn't feel the same or (b) barely acknowledges the amount of effort you've put into what has turned out to be a parasitic, twisted, toxic relationship.  

I'm tired of feeling like Charlotte York when she was perpetually meandering, waiting for fictitious Mr. Right to come along. Have I become so bitter that I've internalized my parents' blind allegiance to their religiosity that I feel I'm somehow unworthy of happiness?  

I'm baffled and equally frustrated by how difficult this has been. I'm 24, openly gay, and a practicing Catholic. I've had years to grapple with the internal turmoil and conflict between my faith and who I'm attracted to. I usually feel like I have everything figured out and I've somehow come up with a conceptual framework that makes everything work. But lately, it seems like nothing makes sense and it feels like I'm a 12 year old coming out of the closet [Side note: I knew I was gay in first grade... I went to a private Catholic school no less.]

In any case, to reveal your true feelings to another friend is not an easy decision to make. It will end in one of two ways:

Option 1: The friendship is effectively ruined at worst.

Option 2: The friendship becomes painfully awkward at best... leading to eventual termination 

[i.e. Option 1].

I guess there hypothetically could be Option 3: Your friend feels the same way but was too afraid to make the first move.

Living in another country not knowing definitively where the two of you stand is just as torturous as outright rejection. The anxiety and not knowing is absolutely unbearable, intolerable, simply unacceptable. 

But it is a risk I'm willing to take. Call me a masochist. I would put it all on the line for just the possibility. We all simply want to love, and to be loved. I could be safe from the pain by holding my tongue and pretending I feel nothing. But I would be haunted by the "What If..." scenario.

What's the saying?

"I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do."

Here goes nothing... 

Stumbling toward the end...

I don't even know where to begin. I'm mortified that my last entry was in May, when the spring semester ended. I've been meaning to write but never found enough time to really sit and spill. I think the entry needs to be loosely organized around major areas of my life.

SCHOOL

When people ask me, "Do you like public health?" I scoff, scowl, roll my eyes and say, "Ugh, no. I hate it." I think I should clarify my annoyance: I dislike the program but I like what the MPH stands for and I appreciate the power of public health. If I could go back, I think I would've been skipped the MPH entirely or gone to a program that emphasizes the social sciences and humanities (i.e. Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia). But what's done is done. This is my last semester of coursework and I had high hopes that I was saving the best for last. Unfortunately every chance the syllabi get, they somehow find a way to thwart my interests and my passion.

This semester has really beaten me down: physically, emotionally, intellectually, mentally. I don't think I've ever been this apathetic about my academic affairs. And you know once Apathy settles down, Mediocrity moves in next door. This semester has been a whirlwind of reading academic articles that all say the same thing, conclude the same thing, projects and papers that are disparate and unrelated, class discussions dominated by ridiculously sycophantic personalities. I say without reservation that the MPH has completely destroyed and beaten out any semblance of creative writing ability I once had.

Since high school, I've always found an innovative way to somehow connect two unrelated classes  (AP Bio/ AP French). Same thing in college (Human Sexuality, Asian Diaspora in Latin America). And for the most part, it's been pretty easy doing that in the MPH, EXCEPT this last semester. I just need it to end. Now.

BRASIL

I won't be done with the MPH until next May. I still have the practicum and my thesis to write, which I will be doing next semester. I've bought the ticket and I have all but one piece of paperwork to get my visa. My excitement over Brasil comes and goes. I was incredibly excited months ago and I thought I'd be completely beside myself once I bought the ticket but I find myself equally apathetic about Brasil as I am about my classes. I'm not sure if that's due to my dismal selection of classes that's spilling over or I'm invoking the default self-sabotage routine that is classic Dean: work, work, work so hard toward a singular goal, get close, and then at the last minute, change gears.

My hesitation about Brasil stems from a few different sources. Part of me doesn't want to go abroad anymore because I'm accustomed to my life right now. There's a routine in place and it works for me. I don't want to give up my apartment and the comfort of convenience.

The other two reasons why I don't want to leave Austin in which I'll go into detail below: volleyball and medicine.

VOLLEYBALL

I haven't played this much volleyball since... ever. Even as an undergrad, I think I only played two or three times a week. In fact, this is the most physically active I've been in my life. I guess I have the MPH to thank for the paranoia that I'm gaining weight.

If I'm not doing school or work-related things, volleyball is sadly my entire social life. I've gotten remarkably close to a few people and I am reluctant to leave now, particularly because there's a strong likelihood that I'll never see these people again. I think I value the closeness and humanity they provide that has been absent since I moved back to Austin because my closest friends are in Houston or out-of-state. Perhaps it's the emotional investment that's on the line when I leave the country that I'm unwilling to let go of. I don't want to have to start over in a completely new country.

MEDICINE

I've lost track of how many people I went to school with who are now in medical school / residency. I had been prepping for the MCAT in the summer but had to postpone because the MPH got in the way. I have a friend who was recently accepted and in addition to the happiness and joy I felt for him, there was also a tinge of jealousy. What the hell happened that has forced me to prolong this process for this long? It's unacceptable but I've always found some form of legitimate justification why I haven't finish my pre-reqs and the MCAT.

Whatever happens, I need to take the test in 2014 because the new version is coming in 2015 and that shit is an extra 2 hours long. No. I can't even ----.

Regarding Brasil: doing my practicum ultimately serves as a way to increase marketability in that I'll be able to build on my Portuguese training from UT and Berlitz and I will have experience in global health. But what happens if I do end up working abroad? Well that kind of puts the med school thing on the back burner... yet again.

If I just stay in Austin, I could take some pre-reqs in the spring and get the ball rolling. But I also know that if I passed up Brasil, it would haunt me forever.

CONCLUDING REMARKS

I guess that's why I've been constantly stressed out this semester. I'm always in a state of angst and trepidation, fearing that I'll make the wrong decision. Maybe there are no wrong decisions in life: the choices we make simply lead us down another pathway to another set of potential doors to be opened.

Admittedly, I'm ashamed that one reason I want to forego Latin America is over a guy (guys?). I guess logic really doesn't exist in love, which leads us to do completely asinine things. Yes, please, let me skip out on something I've been planning for over a year because I love hanging out with you. Physically writing it out makes me realize how idiotic I'm being and maybe in a way, Brasil serves as a way to regain social independence and to put things in perspective.

Only a few more weeks left of school. I'm torn: yes I'm so excited this nightmare of a semester is ending but I have to move out of Austin and say goodbye to the life I created for myself this past year. I haven't known these people for very long but I'd like to think we meant something to each other in such a truncated time period.

I'll end with this and maybe this will help me to accept what has to be done:

HMQD

Summer is here!

I made it through the spring semester - my first semester back in Austin. I can count on one hand how many friends I've made from both the Houston and Austin campuses. But the people I've met are brilliant, driven, fantastic, and... pretty much all women.

A few weekends back, I got to hang out with Rochelle, Daniel and Janel. I haven't been with this group since 2011! Sometimes, you just need to go and let loose and have fun and end up in a bath tub.

Sometimes I'm surprised at how quickly the time went by. Looking back at old Facebook pictures, seeing Christmas pictures from 2009, my study abroad experience in Denmark... this time next year, I'll be done, Janel will be done, and so will Daniel. WE'RE GETTING OLD.

Summer school started this week. I spent the past two weeks in Pearland with my family. Of course that meant driving my sister around everywhere. But it's fine because I'm pretty productive at her swim meets. It's getting somewhat easier to drive from Austin to Pearland but I still get so stressed out I lose sleep the days leading up to the drive. And when I get to the other city, I have a whopper of a headache. I joke and say that whatever happens in the future, I want to make enough so that I can have my own chauffeur - except if I'm driving to church or the grocery store.

I move to my new place in July. I can't wait!I have a feeling once August rolls around, things are going to be chaotic. And then I'm moving back to Pearland come December. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be out of the country in January!

Until then - let's focus on summer clases. And getting over these freaking allergies. OMG are other people in Austin suffering or am I just being dramatic?

Books, Books, and more Books!

So I went on an Amazon frenzy and ordered a crap ton of books to read during Spring Break. There were just so many that kept on coming in and let's get real - I slept most of my break away. One of the books I read, The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down, is in its simplest description, a medical anthropological undertaking. It describes a story of a Hmong (pronounced 'Mong,' but 'Huh-mong.') family with a sick child and their numerous encounters with the US healthcare system. 

I won't give a detailed summary but it essentially highlights the cultural context of US-trained physicians and their increasingly diverse patient population. As I read the story, I just grew angry, sad, depressed, appalled, shocked... then I realized that what I was reading was not new information. How many articles have I read since undergrad that focused on the shortcomings of Western biomedicine? The lack of cultural competency, the horrendous bedside manner and nonexistent communication skills, etc. And who suffers? Everyone. The patient, the patient's family, the family's community, and the medical staff. When patients do poorly, it affects the physicians, nurses, and the entire healthcare team. Or so I think it does. I think poor outcomes take an emotional toll on hospital staff. At the end of the book, I wondered if Lia Long's condition could've been avoided had there been "cultural benchmarks" along the way that addressed Hmong beliefs. 

Then I read another book, Lost in Translation, which was still anthropologically-related but a very different substantive content. The author is a researcher who studied everyday Bulgarians who described what life was like as their country shifted from a communist state to a democratic capitalist state, seemingly overnight. I think part of my interest in political ethnography was from watching FX's The Americans - a show about a KGB husband-wife team living in the US. This stemmed from watching a History Channel special on the US Presidents, and I was curious about the Reagan era, the Cold War, the influence and dominance of the USSR. My logic seems a bit all over the place, but they're connected.

Lost in Translation told the stories of people who gave a different perspective about life in a socialist state. We're so quick to judge the evils of socialism and communism in the US, but the author does a fantastic job of showing just how terrible the transition was from socialism to capitalism. The transition wasn't seamless and not everyone seemed to benefit from the free market. Fast forward to the 21st century and surveys show that people, both old and young, in the former communist bloc still pine for the old days of a totalitarian communist government. The book suggests that society may in fact come full circle.

Reading these two seemingly disparate books both angers and annoys me. In today's technological age, we have so much scientific capability to alleviate so much pain and suffering, but it also cripples us. How? Why? Because people don't know how to fucking talk to people who are different from themselves. Just because something isn't numerically and statistically quantifiable, Western medicine marginalizes this Otherness to something that is undesirable and threatening. 

Then I think about a classmate who is interested in international development and consulting and the frustrations she's encountered with people coming into the field with high expectations that are never met. Does all this change really get us anywhere? Is there hope? Or is everything we do futile? From a political standpoint, whether it's a democracy or communism, it seems like power inevitably corrupts. Even in communism, where the wealth is supposed to be distributed equally, those in power essentially recreate hierarchies that expose the hypocrisy of communism (Ghodsee). 

These are all rhetorical questions that I've been asking myself. Maybe there's a way I can combined politics, medicine, and anthropology together. How is the public (i.e. patients) affected by the politics of healthcare? I wouldn't want to study the overtly political nature of say, the Affordable Care Act, and the cost-benefit analysis of all it entails... but I want to hear narratives, first-person experiences of everyday people who have to interact with healthcare systems. Given my interest in global health, maybe I could study patient experiences in different healthcare systems. There's already so much done on the economics, the financing and delivery, the political bullshit, etc... but what about the voices of the people and professionals who have to work within the confines of whatever health system they're in? 

That's my rant for now. Time to read Paul Farmer's Pathologies of Power!

One-Month Benchmark: Update

So I successfully got through my first month of being back in Austin! School has started and I made new friends. I know it sounds exceedingly silly to say that but I've found that it's often your classmates who help you get through class.... probably something to do with solidarity.

I went to mass this morning at St. Austin's. It's strange because I think about when I was an undergrad and my church-going behavior - or lack thereof. I did really well my freshman year but it tapered off significantly as a sophomore and junior. If it wasn't for Janel, I probably wouldn't have gone to mass much as a senior.

Then I moved back home and of course living with devout Catholic parents means if you're not going to the Vietnamese church with them, you damn well better be getting your religion on at another Catholic church. I've slowly discovered that I enjoy "American" (i.e. "White") mass more than Vietnamese mass, not because one is shorter in duration than the other, but I simply feel more comfortable with the language.

On the rare occasion that I attend mass with my parents, I am constantly amazed at how consistent and longstanding traditions are at the Vietnamese church: despite the various waves of immigration these churchgoers have been in, age, what village they came from back in the Motherland, where they're living now in the US, how proficient they are in English... none if that matters when they're at the church. Everyone knows the prayers and songs that have been passed down generation after generation. I think in many ways, the church acts somewhat as an equalizer. So in that sense, I can feel the ethnic solidarity because it's much more visible. But unfortunately, I spend too much of my time in Vietnamese mass as more of an anthropologist with outsider status than actually being engaged. Part of that has to do with the fact that my Vietnamese, though conversationally proficient, there are still a lot of words (I'll categorize them linguistically as 'Biblical Vietnamese') that I don't understand and that gap in vocabulary translates to apathy.

Switching gears to an "American" mass: obviously, the language barrier is nonexistent so understanding the readings and sermon is much easier. It's also much more diverse in terms of the individuals who attend mass. I mean that makes sense because if you didn't understand Vietnamese or Spanish for that matter, why would you attend that mass or church? When I was younger, I never cared enough to follow the readings on my own or really listen to the sermon, and it was very rare for me open my mouth and sing. But after college, I decided to become more engaged and involved during mass. I think that I've grown spiritually since the last time I lived in Austin but I can't really pinpoint the reason why. Was it because I was devastated that I left California and felt like a failure and I relied on religion and spirituality to help me pick up the pieces? Was it living back at home? Perhaps it was the social environment combined with increasing emotional maturity.

In any case, I'm happy where I am right now... which leads me my next topic: well-roundedness.

I made a comment earlier that this American societal/educational ideal of being well-rounded was simply another description for mediocrity. I thought that we as a society should be more like our progressive European counterparts and allow people to specialize early on. I think that was me being bitter about the economy and my liberal arts degree. But I think we can take the concept of being well-rounded and apply it our daily lives... not just for our resumes and CVs or applications to graduate programs but to our health (an obvious interest of mine as a budding public health professional).

In addition to my consistency in going to church without any reminders or coaxing from my parents, I've also been able to successfully integrate physical activity into my life. For the most part, physical activity became more salient in my life because of two things: (1) I was no longer able to play volleyball every day like I did as an undergrad and (2) I freaked out at the levels of physical inactivity and the public health implications of that. So I've been running regularly for over a year now! It's not a massive accomplishment like running a marathon, but it's a small victory for me. Running at the gym has becoming an activity where I can just take a break mentally and ignore the world as I escape into the music of my iPod and pretend I'm on my way to Broadway à la SMASH.

Before, I thought of being well-rounded solely in a pretentious academic sense. To me it meant having to be proficient in multivariable calculus, literary criticism, epistemology, programming in C++, and oh, speaking five languages would be fabulous too. But I don't think it necessarily denotes narrowly-defined academic measures. I think it simply means: don't focus too much on some esoteric shit that you lose sight of the fact that life is going on around and you're missing out.

Speaking of which - I had a reunion with the one and only Eliza Grace Huynh last night. It was so good to hang out with her after three years. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. =)

And on that note, I should probably read the research I've gathered so I can continue writing my paper. Then it's time for Once Upon a Time, Revenge, and The Good Wife!! WHOO!

Return to Austin

I am back in Austin. It's officially been a week since I moved in with the help of Michelle. So far, it's been pretty swell. I can navigate the buses, get to school, HEB, and I did laundry today! I think one of the most important things in transitioning to a new location is making sure you maintain functionality. That way, you're not holed up in your apartment all day, every day. I think that's where I went wrong in Oakland.

It was so great to come back and visit campus. For the most part, everything is pretty familiar. Granted, there are lots of changes but there remains a sense of normalcy. I met up with a professor at the School of Public Health, and it was great. The entire regional campus is on ONE floor. It's unreal how everything fits.

The only annoyance I have is that it'll take 12 class days for my ID to get activated so I'll have limited access to the gym.

I'm excited for classes to start on Monday so I can meet the other professors and students. Maybe I can network and find a graduate or research assisantship position. I personally think I would want to work with a professor at UT in the department of anthropology, sociology, or kinesiology.

I have one class every day so my schedule isn't too terrible... but I have a feeling biostats will be the most tedious course. After this semester, I only have two core courses left, which can be taken in the summer. Maybe I'll even take it online so I can be back in Pearland.

But until then, here's to a new chapter.

More updates to come.